Forgiveness is a very difficult topic. It contains many facets and each of us looks at forgiveness through our own set of circumstances. Often we can’t comprehend where another person is coming from about forgiveness because we have not experienced their own unique hurts and problems.

With all of that in mind I want to discuss another common misconception about forgiveness.

If I forgive, I will be encouraging the one who hurt me to do it again.

This objection or misconception almost always refers to the hurt of a close family member, business partner, or fellow church member. It usually does not concern the person who is forgiving a hurt that cannot be repeated for whatever reason.

How can I forgive without encouraging or enabling bad behavior?  I have three suggestions to help you answer this question.

For the next several days I will be writing about forgiveness. If you would like to receive an email concerning my daily look at life and Scripture, please subscribe at the top right hand of the page. It’s free and easy to do.

First, remember that forgiveness has more to do with your relationship with God than with the one who hurt you. When you forgive, you are agreeing with God about what is most important. You are also living a life of obedience as you forgive those who have sinned against you. Finally, you are following the example of Jesus when you forgive.

For these reasons, forgiveness is a must.

Second, forgiveness does not mean that you do not expect standards or set barriers. Real love and forgiveness should actually encourage better behavior.

Think of the example of Jesus with the woman caught in the act of adultery (John 8). When those accusing her had departed, Jesus told her to go and sin no more. While we don’t know what happened to the woman, few serious readers of the Bible expect her not to have been powerfully touched by the encounter with Jesus and His loving demeanor.

Jesus had an encounter with another woman whose life had fallen apart. We think of her as the woman at the well (John 4). Jesus did not gloss over her sin. He dealt with it openly and decisively.

Hosea (please look at yesterday’s post) set barriers and expectations for his sinful wife to return to the family.

Of course, Jesus helped Simon Peter be restored as He encouraged Him to “feed my sheep.”

As you deal with hurting and hurtful family members, do not confuse forgiving and condoning. You can fully and completely forgive while expecting better behavior from the person living a sinful, selfish life. This is God’s expectation of us; it can and should be your expectation of those around you.

Third, forgiveness does not mean restoration will occur. We all wish it did, but it doesn’t. Sometimes love and forgiveness are not returned. Forgive anyway. It pleases our Heavenly Father.

May God bless you and help you to forgive one another.