Forgiveness seems to be such a simple concept. Forgive and forget and you’ll be fine. But is that really the case? Are there issues which defy simple answers?
Trust seems to be one of those issues.
How do we put trust and forgiveness together?
Let’s think about what forgiveness means. Forgiveness means being aware of someone’s hurtful action and still forgiving. It is choosing not to keep a record of wrongs.
Within that definition, we often have to teach people a new way of acting while helping them to regain trust. Forgiveness is given; trust is earned.
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When I speak with an unfaithful wife or husband, I talk with them about how to regain trust. Regaining the trust of someone you have hurt is extremely difficult. (Trust is precious; it’s much better to never lose it). To regain trust you have to be trustworthy in all areas, including always speaking the truth, being accountable, and not using manipulative language or actions.
While forgiveness is necessary, trust is not always possible. For example, if you have a child or spouse or parent who cannot take care of money, you probably are required to withhold credit cards. The financial bleeding has to be stopped.
In churches we love and care for people who have stolen or embezzeled, but we do not grant them the combination to the safe or the passwords for financial accounts. In some cases, the combination of our forgiveness and their subsequent trustworthiness may make that possible. In other cases it will not be possible. Fortunately forgiveness on our part is always possible.
Let’s all remember that boundaries and barriers are completely appropriate in relationships. Martha and I have boundaries in our marriage which we do not allow others to breach. Good relationships require these kinds of barriers.
If we truly love the people around us we will demand them to make decisions which will be in their longterm good.
One Response
Again, well said. It is a frustrating experience to be linked to someone who constantly violates boundaries in place with harmful action. Yet the familial relationship demands seeking a way to offer opportunity to earn a place of trust.
It is amazing the amount of energy and social engineering spent on destroying someone who has set up boundaries. It is especially frustrating when negative character projections are cast upon the one set in charge who has given opportunities, has employed forgiveness and shown acts of Love, attempting to responsibly facilitate an opportunity to earn back trust.
There comes a time for one to shake the dust off ones feet and press forward as another seeks to continue to destroy for their name’s sake. Better to move on than to be destroyed. This is where the Bride must act. All is God’s in Christ.
Blessings