No one has to tell us divorce is trending in America. We see the hurt and pain all around us.
I see divorce from a unique perspective. When divorce occurs families are devastated in almost every way. People split up everything. Under the best arrangements, children live in two homes. Sometimes the custody fights rip children away. Even the church loses as someone keeps the church and someone has to leave. The pain for everyone is horrendous.
Nothing hurts like family hurt.
What can we do to make our marriages and families stronger?
First, take time to talk about your hopes and dreams. When you first contemplated marriage, you talked about what you wanted and how you wanted to live. That same dreaming needs to follow along after the wedding.
Martha and I still take time to talk about our dreams for the future. Since we have an empty nest, our dreams and hopes are different but they are just as real. Talking about your hopes has a way of bringing you togerher. I suggest you schedule a special time–a date–to talk about the future.
Second, plan a regular date night. Your family depends on the love of mom and dad. Spend some time and money to build your relationship. It will be the best time you can spend for your children.
Plan special times to get away. Marriages need time and they need romance.
Third, from time to time remind yourselves how you met and what attracted you to one another. Those are good memories that help solidify a marriage.
Fourth, encourage your mate. Make sure your spouse knows you believe in him/her. Find ways to show that you care and that you believe and trust one another.
Finally, spend time learning what makes strong, healthy marriages. One resource I have found particularly helpful is Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages.
Above all, seek God and His plan for marriage.
May God bless your marriage.
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9 Responses
Great ideas. Thank you.
As a counselor, I can say a hearty AMEN! regarding the pain of divorce–esp. to the children involved. Too many times I’ve seen couples, or one person in the marriage, throw in the towel on a very workable relationship; usually out of selfishness or weakness, and always out of spiritual blindness. The marriage frequently becomes the scapegoat of the unhappiness that is actually rooted in the failure to grow spiritually. If we do not grow in Christ, there is no human relationship that will fulfill us. But if we grow in Him, we can discover together much of what God had in mind when He created us man and woman [What a tremendous blessing!]. We sometimes look to our mate to meet our needs. God has promised to do that [Phlp 4:19]. God has commanded us to love one another as Christ loves the church. Trying to get our mate to meet our needs is NOT the same as loving them. It is misguided effort that will never work. Maintaining a mindfulness of God–abiding in Christ–is a very powerful protection against divorce, because, no matter what you think of your mate, God loves him/her. And He wants you to be a manifestation of that love, regardless of your mate’s moods or behaviors. Doing so will create the best likelihood of your mate becoming a better person. And it will enable you to find true happiness that cannot be supplied by your mate. My Mom, who is 90 years old and who was married happily to my Dad for 64 yrs. before his passing, said to me some years ago, “You know, human love ain’t enough. We got to have God’s love in our hearts.”
Thanks so much for your insightful comments. Human love and marriage is a picture of Christ and the church. Love is the key.
Many marriages are based on having needs met instead of loving the other person.
As a Christian, Minister, a formerly Licensed Professional Counselor, a child of divorce, and as a divorced person as well as a minister, I can say there is a lot of truth in what you say. However, when one does not love the other and chooses to leave anyway, there is not much one can do but pick up the pieces and move on. The second go round has lasted 44+ years, producing a son who is a minister and our pastor (he has been at the same church nearly 15 years, will be in April), and raising a daughter from the first marriage after her mother signed her over willingly in a court of law. The grief of that ending almost led to suicide, but the Sovereign Grace of God provided help, and I lived to serve two churches, one for 11 years and the other for 12.5 years. Sometimes God has higher purposes as was brought home to me in the murder of my mother, two-half sisters, and suicide of my step-father. Terrible as the experiences have been in my life, none of them were as terrible as what happened to Jesus on the cross, dying in the place of sinners and for sin, though He had committed none. From that terrible abuse of justice by man God brought salvation full and free for sinners, but only for sinners (not every one who is a sinner really thinks he or she is a sinner). In any case, seeing the tragedies of life, and divorce ranks right up there with death (some would say it is worse than death) for stress and trauma). Dealing with such afflictions and adversities requires knowledge and experience in many fields, biblical, psychology, psychiatry, psychotherapy, counseling, history, law (with subsets in all of the foregoing). Prayer and the support of other believers are required. Usually, the experience of one who has been through it can enable that individual to be especially helpful to the person suffering through such a trial. The sovereignty of God is a truth that needs to be considered, examined, understood and applied. I once read where a Presbyterian missionary in Southeast Asia was winning prostitutes to Christ. He was rather startled, as I recall from a reading several years ago, to find that these women were unmoved by the teaching about God’s love, but they were helped in the depths of their miseries by the teaching that God was sovereign. That truth they found to be a winsome one, one that could enable and empower them to leave such a lifestyle. Every truth in God’s word has a place and a purpose that deals with some issue or problem or whatever in life.
Thank you for helping us see the pain of divorce and the possibility of restoration and joy.
Thanks to all of you for helpful comments.
Three comments herein are offered by me.
1. Dr. Bailey, I have heard you address this subject. This message and that from the pulpit are by far the best presentation of encouragement and equipping I have yet heard from anyone save, myself and Emile Wagner, whom I will quote as the occasion arrises. Thank YOU!
2. The Good Doctor and Counselor both make excellent points as they point to a “Lord of All” who sees the contrite heart and provides a way. How the “Body/Bride” responds in every difficult situation will tell concrete thinking children more about the validity of God’s Word than all the sermons and Scripture fed to them. Thank you both for your living testimony and desire to Live and Serve through His Grace, by His Strength until: face to Face, pene’ la Pene’.
3. This year marks the twentieth anniversary of the rededication of my parents vows on their Fiftieth Wedding Anniversary at Metairie Ridge Presbyterian Church on Codifer Blvd. in Metairie, LA. My parents were thrilled with the fact that their Licensed Minister Son officiated their ceremony. Everyone was impressed with the Epistles read by the presiding Pastor (as he called them) to Irene and Fred from their respective parents: his mother and her father. Those words ministered to them and glorified The God in Christ Jesus, Who engineered their Marriage, as they edified the congregation. Curious how the perspectives of that congregation has been altered. God is not mocked, however, I pray for the wellbeing of my wife and children as we endure negative whispers as we depend on God in His. I better appreciate the warnings and difficulties the Apostle Paul faced within groups who were familiar with him and should have known better, as recorded in his Epistles.
Blessings
thank you Ed. I appreciate you.
The book on 5 love languages is a must read for everyone (engaged couples, newly weds, folks who have been married 2 or 52 years and single adults. It helped our marriage as we better understood each other’s needs He knew his language instantly.
It can help you understand and see needs in family members. If you teach or work with children or youth might see some starving for their love language to be met. It is my opinion that young children need a heathy dose of all 5 of the love languages.
Thanks for the recommendation. It’s good to hear from someone else who has been blessed by the book. The one thing I would encourage is to do something. The previous commenters point out the terrible pain of one spouse who won’t work to make the marriage work.